I was wondering what to tell you all today. I thought and thought and thought some more but could not for the life of me come up with something hilarious which didn’t involve the Governments’ persistent ham handed-ness or the outrageous things people do to defend their faith. And I understand both the above are taboo topics.
So in the spirit of the fact that the subject of almost 90% of human jokes are out of scope let’s turn to animals. The following is my lament over the dismal state of pet-care in the country.
I happen to have a dog. And this would be the end of the story except that Toffee(my dog) is going through a mid life crisis. He’s begun to question his identity as an animal. This is partly the fault of my doting parents. He figures that since he hangs around humans, avails of human transport and is generally better fed than 40% of the Indian population, he is therefore human. QED. In fact, Toffee does not like dogs. He thinks them ignorant, mangy, insolent creatures.
I also happen to have recently shifted to Bangalore from Kolkata. Now, I m no stranger to the process of relocating. I’ve done it time and again, living out of a suitcase for months at a stretch. But I’ve never shifted house. The sum total of everything I own (and you understand that the sum total of anything that any woman ever owns is a formidable amount) has always been safely deposited at my one and only house.
So it’s always seemed to me that the tough part of shifting would be trying to shift clothing, furniture and shoes. Not one dog. And especially not without violating his perceived fundamental rights as a human being.
Now in our country there are elaborate mechanisms to shift aged parents, painted ganesha idols, and up to 100 kgs of luggage per person on the railways but everyone is absolutely clueless when it comes to a 10 kg dog.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking come on, just sedate him and take him by flight right? Wrong. First, there’s no flight that allows dogs as cabin baggage, asleep or otherwise. And there’s no way my dog will allow us to make him check in baggage and literally be treated on par with a suitcase. How demeaning is that?
Which brings us to the railways. Every train contains two luggage vans which may house dogs. In a cage. But that’s out of the question. My dog would throw a fit if he were to be imprisoned without a cause or a trial.
Which then brings us to the only possible solution. The 1st Tier AC coupe. This is where the element of suspense creeps in. Apparently the 1st AC compartment of every train has 24 much coveted berths. And these are divided into 5 compartments of 4 berths each and 2 elusive compartments of 2 berths only. Honeymooning couples and Upper class dogs are allowed on these.
Problem solved you’re thinking. Not.
The tickets for these coupes are permanently unavailable. The Indian Railways website mysteriously refuses to disclose which of the 24 berths belong to the coupe and travel agents (or at least my father’s most hassled travel agent) are totally stumped. After much assiduous google-ing I discovered recently that the tickets are allotted on a first cum first serve basis on the day of travel to that honeymooning couple or dog owner that seems most desperate.
What a dilemma. Even bribery I can understand. But this? This is an open invitation to people to make fools of themselves. To humor bored railway officials.
My parents have therefore come up with a Plan. To make a Dual Case.
Therefore on November the 12th ladies and gentlemen I invite you to Howrah Station(well those who can make it) to witness the spectacle of my father mother and dog trying to obtain a 2 seater cabin. Those honeymooning couples who expect to win beware- my mum n dad will claim to be on their 2nd honeymoon. And to any dog who aspires to take Toffee’s berth I better warn you. Toffee does NOT like dogs.
I conclude then, with this quote - Don't make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs.
Mind blowing. I like the flow.
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